Dying another day

Die Another DayI am so tired. I did it to myself again. I am in start up mode. My body hurts, my legs hurt.  All so familiar but with out my drug. I am dying. I can feel it in my bones. I died another day.  I don’t know why I am still here. I should of popped a long time ago. Like an ill manufactured grenade. I remember a child psychologist once said to me that I would one day explode with anger, that I kept it all bottled up inside. I really didn’t get it at the time, but yeah she was dead on. Even when I was in 6th Grade I had already checked out.

Too bad that psychologist did not offer a solution.  I am always good at blaming someone or the system and not myself.  I have a free pass on the river of denial. I did not even understand what she meant and why she said it to me. It certainly wasn’t kindness. I wish I had exploded when she said that to me, maybe I could of gotten help. At that time in my life I had just stopped doing anything at school. I had just shut down. Between home life and school life I found refuge in fantasy obsession and masturbation.

Now all I have is my core emotions anger, fear all there just to gobble me up and spit me back out again.

I don’t know why I am still sober. It really is bloody unbelievable. And it is putting up an unbelievable fight. This week it decided that physical pain was something that was going to tip me over the edge. It figured with pain and travel well geez whiz lets pull out all the stops.

But I just powered through things.  I smiled I laughed, I was my friend.  I really managed to put myself back into the petri dish. I am in the thick of it. . But you know what dream big. Laugh at yourself. What the hell.  The awareness is what saves me. I know my delusional self, I know my fear and anxiety self. I can listen, I can process, I can be direct and blunt. I can shine a light on myself. I can stick up for myself. I can live my life the way I have always wanted to live. I can level the playing field, rather than this strange tilt I insisted on. I can be kind to my anger. The awareness that I am an addict, that I am not normal. That my borders cannot be my own that is real powerlessness. And its tough. I am pissed of that I am an addict. Its a fucking god damn struggle. But I don’t wish it to be any other way. What I am striving for is the middle. When I learn to love myself more than I hate myself that is when I will have really nailed it. That feeling of equanimity it comes now, but I have to slow down. I have to process, I have to sit with it. I have to let go. Reality becomes a lot more livable if I just slow down. If I just breathe.

 

 

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Posted in Acceptance, anxiety, breaking the thought patterns, change, Fear, man box, mindfulness, power and control, powerless and addiction, sex addict anger and resentment, transformation, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Batman

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Interesting Poster. I don’t think its a good idea to be Batman. I think Batman would agree.

Batman has been on my mind. Okay let’s face it I have been a Batman fanatic of sorts. I really was into Batman growing up and then with the Warner Brothers cartoon revamp in the nineties and then the evolution and the Dark Knight series. My sons and I bonded over Batman….A tortured soul who suffers from a deep self hatred brought about my childhood trauma. Who is incapable of being honest and open, but to harness his dark side, the child he has kept in prison he engages in vigilante justice and enters into dark hurtful relationships, never thinking he is worthy of a relationship or love because if people only knew who he really was…..So I just described Batman and everyone in my home meeting group.

In recovery I take responsibility for my past and for the here and now. I decimated my family. I made horrific choices. I finally admitted that I needed to let go. I can’t make good decisions. I admitted that it has been an utter disaster with me at the wheel. I  finally started to emerge from the fog.

Trouble is that with me I still want to be Batman rather than myself.  I don’t believe in the good in myself.  A master in the various forms of denial, I still live in the delusion that I can rescue others, when I just need to rescue myself. Its part of my power and control delusion…

Well, Batman finally let go, found true intimacy and was himself, Batman became integrated and he finally stopped hiding behind the mask. He abandoned his attachments and let go.

For me I am in the cycle. You see I don’t want to fully let go. Every time I think I have let go, I find out that my addiction is still there, more clever than ever. The depth of my inner darkness… I can feel I am on the edge. I can feel that I am about to don my costume.  I can feel it calling me, rationalizing that it will make me whole, that it will balance me out. The dark side is always there. Its waiting. It is patient.

My addiction is part of me. Accepting who I am.  Learning to love myself. Although its hard for me to see, I have come a long way. Sometimes I just need to stop and slow things down and that is okay. By slowing down I can breath and I can let my true self shine through.  Batman is part of me. If I take care of myself, Batman will always just be part of me and not dominate me, and I can just focus on being me. I can stop running. I can stop pretending.

TheDarkKnightRisesEnding

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Perspective

UnknownThree years ago I thought was I going to die. Actually, I wanted to die. I wanted it to all end. Actually, I wanted it to stop. I wanted to get out. I wanted to get off. I had turned my wife insane. I had turned her into uncontrolled despair, sadness, depression, anger. She was suicidal. I had made it so she could not cope with life. I had made her unstable and it was hauntingly and disturbingly familiar. We were traveling on I-5 and she was driving erratically and wanted to end it all then. I don’t know how we survived that drive. I don’t even know if it was real. I think I would like to forget it. But at that time, I really thought Kat was going to drive us off the road. I wanted to stop and get out. I wanted to just perish forever at that time. But I knew I had to stay, that I had to see this through.  I could not abandon Kat, even if it meant we were going to die…It was a horrific experience knowing that you had made your best friend so unstable that it was a real possibility you were both going to perish….I am grateful not to forget.

Fast forward to now. We are driving along the 101, high above the Pacific Ocean, to our healing place. We are holding hands, singing songs and being silly. I am tired and having fun, but as we drive the memories from that time three years ago come back and my stomach has knots. I stay with it. I don’ t run away. I feel sick. Stay with it. Don’t run away. I love Kat. I just need to stop hating myself. What a difference 3 years makes. Sometimes though it seems just like yesterday. I am happy though I choose to remember. I have gratitude in not forgetting. Never again. Please never again.

Posted in anxiety, betrayed spouse, change, cheating husband, Fear, good vs evil, suicide, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Misery, Choices, Powerlessness, and Contradictions

 

They say misery loves company
We could start a company and make misery
Frustrated Incorporated

Well I know just what you need
I might just have the thing
I know what you’d pay to see

Put me out of my misery
I’d do it for you, would you do it for me
We will always be busy making misery

We could build a factory and make misery
We’ll create the cure; we made the disease
Frustrated Incorporated
Frustrated Incorporated

Well I know just what you need
I might just have the thing
I know what you’d pay to feel

Put me out of my misery
All you suicide kings and you drama queens
Forever after happily, making misery

Did you satisfy your greed, get what you need
Was it only envy, so empty
Frustrated Incorporated
Frustrated Incorporated
(Put me out of my misery)
Frustrated Incorporated
(I’d do it for you, would you do it for me)
Frustrated Incorporated
(Forever after happily)
(I know just what you need)
Frustrated Incorporated – Soul Asylum

 

If we could measure Misery it would be one of  the world’s greatest resources. It would be what we humans are great at. We excel at producing our own suffering, our own Misery. All over the world there is so much misery.  Well I excelled at producing misery, still do. When in my addiction I produced and fed off of others misery.  Now in recovery, I think that I still thrive and create my own misery i just don’t take the misery and ingest it to put me in a whole different misery, the addiction machine. But now I see that my misery feeds Kat. I see that misery has a magnetic pull to all those touched by it. I see that misery allows people to distract from their present condition, to wallow in their misery. There is a huge misery party going on. I see that Kat is metabolizing my misery that I force fed her and I see the misery I cause in her I have caused in so many others. Misery just doesn’t go away it is transmitted. Sometimes I think if I exited the misery wheel I created for Kat her life would be a lot better, but I know that is me just wanting to run away from the mess that I have created. It is for Kat to decide if she needs a break, if she needs to exit the relationship, not me. I just need to keep on doing the work.

My recovery is a choice. I am far from perfect. I make mistakes every day. I am human. But I am learning to be kind to myself. I am learning to laugh at myself. I am learning to have a frank and candid dialogue with myself. Conversely, choice also involves realizing that I am powerless, that my addiction has me. This is a concept that is really hard for me to get my head around and has taken forever to understand. All that I can tell you is that when I admit to myself that I am powerless that I have no control over the addiction that I cannot fight it, that is when I am released and it is such an unburdening. When I give up is when I have serenity, when I am free.

I have been having a brain worm in my head since my last retreat with Thich Nhat Hahn’s niece. I heard this chant that won’t go out of my head. One of the lines is I lay my burdens down. It is whirling around constantly and  I am grateful for it. That’s the choice not to fight, but to lay everything down. Kat talks about surrendering or giving up the addiction.  I am and will always be an addict, but practicing surrender, releasing, not fighting are what ultimately keeps me from jumping into the abyss these days and until the end of this journey.

 

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Staying in the middle….

Breathing Room

I had an especially vivid dream early this morning. I was in a very little car with Kat driving very high on a mountain road and we had to cross a bridge with two guards. The bridge had holes in it and if we did not gain sufficient velocity we would surely fall into the holes and tumble 20,000 feet to our death. We were really high up. When I looked at the holes in the bridge they would seem bigger than than the car and sometimes they would seem smaller. Kat kept on telling me to go, what was my problem, but I knew or at least I kept on telling myself that if I tried to cross there was the real possibility of death…my heart pace quickened. My fear was increasing. I had reached my limits. I did not know my reality. I woke up, awash in fear and anxiety……off to my home meeting as Kat laid there sleeping so nicely.

The day settled in. It was a hectic day. I arrived home that evening beat. I decided to engage in some spiritual positive habits that have been taking root. I lit my incense, I heated up some tea, and then my son, the peacemaker, joined me for some evening mediation and to enjoy his tea. As has been the trend lately, our gray tabby has been joining us for meditation and is soon purring along . We read a bit from Thich Nhat Hanh’s Reconciliation – Healing the inner child and then we invited  the bell and mediated for a few minutes.

We created a breathing room in the house, a place we can go and invite the bell and touch the energy of mindfulness. Kat built this room before D-Day. This room has become a safe haven for my son and I .

I am the luckiest man in the world. I love you Kat. The seeds of self hate are starting to mellow and the seeds of compassion and kindness are starting to take root….A tear rolls down my cheek and I smile. I am so sorry Kat for the destruction and abuse I have caused in this house. Today is surely a miracle. Every moment is. Oh just another 24 hours.

 

Posted in Acceptance, breaking the thought patterns, change, coping mechanism, Fear, intimacy, mindfulness, pain, power and control, powerless and addiction, sex addict hope, sex addict in recovery, sex addict seeking redemption from betrayed spouse, spirituality and day to day practice, Step Work, suicide, surrender, transformation | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Understanding my addiction – the very very slow road to insight and transformation. (Random Ramblings)

The_long_and_winding_road_-_geograph.org.uk_-_1124953

I am 44 months into my technical sobriety . Positive sobriety is a moment by moment endeavor. I sometimes hold on to my tokens, but lately I have become less obsessed about my tokens and the length of time I have been technically sober. My mind is a battlefield. I don’t want to be at war anymore, I want to clear the field, I just want peace.  But really its all about removing my ego and making good choices and what I am learning today is that I am making bad choices big and small all the time, even without acting out. Sometime I think being alone is the answer. But that is me just wanting to run away and not wanting to do the work.

My mental illness has always been about control power pain self hatred and medicating. I made choices and I am responsible for those choices.  I remember the past now.  The deep past. Those memories which I hid and  refused to look at with the light on. Wounds festered, abandoning myself. I abandoned Kat. I took all the wounds of my family and my ancestors and passed them to Kat.

I turned Kat into the wounded innocent child that was me, except for her she really could not medicate, she only found relief through self harm which could have killed her and could still, once undone that ball of yarn will never be the same. I made Kat into a depressive. Consequences were of the most tragic and real. The universe heard everything and it echos…. I

When I was ten years old I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. I had been diagnosed at 6 years old with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. With the arthritis I would have intense bouts of pain in my joints that would cause me to cry hysterically and put me into basically a default shock state. Ben Gay and Bayer Aspirin were the best treatments back then. Eventually at 10 I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. The ulcerative colitis involved constant cramping and pain in my stomach and my rectal area with constant diarrhea accompanied by blood. The pain was constant not allowing for any normalcy or relief. The theme in my childhood was no control or power over my situation and that I must not be good or have angered God in some way because why is this happening to me. My parents were not equipped to provide a psychological safety net and in fact my mother blamed me for my disease by telling me how expensive it was and the toll it was taking on her and my father. When I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis the procedures I went through were primitive and pain management or ways to minimize suffering for a child was non-existent or after the fact. It was a well intentioned torture chamber. Imagine as a 10 year old child or younger being forced into a position where various scopes are entered through your inflamed rectum and you are pumped with fluids and biopsies and film is being taken. Imagine have this done with no pain killers and told it will all be over soon…Well for a 10 year old it lasted for an eternity and was repeated multiple times. I guess my case of self hatred went into high gear.

Then for my treatment I was injected with ungodly doses of prednisone.

Masterbation and fantasy obsession helped me survive the pain, the lack of control, the self hatred, and the loneliness I felt.  It gave me relief from the no control, the pain, and the belief that I was a bad child. That God was punishing me.

Which gets to my next point.  The trauma in my life between my illness, molestation at home and religious school and emotional physical abuse at home, between abuse occurring at the hands of my school teachers and administrators, between being bullied, the continuous abuse of my parents and siblings, to a classmates suicide, to seeing a man decapitate himself, to my brother’s eventual suicide, I NEVER chose to get help! To stand up for myself! Even now it is difficult. I NEVER chose to stand up for KAT and my kids at the hands of my abusive family.

It was also clear that I had been abandoned and that I had abandoned myself… It was never about the fantasy obsession, the masturbation, the porn, the acting out partners. It was about control and power on my terms. It was about that child in me. The 6 year old boy, the 10 year old boy, the malformed adult coping with the world around him so he could continue. He isolated himself.

Yes, I made all the choices to be an addict. I am responsible for my behavior. I nearly killed my best friend. I certainly have shortened her life.  I have harmed my children immeasurably. I have abused and harmed myself. I have hurt those closest to me and I have hurt others. My bad acts paint a residue that will continue to echo in the universe. But let’s be clear, my addiction, my acting out has everything to do with that that little boy with the wounded inner child that I neglected, that I abandoned.  I let the wound fester until it poisoned everything.

The sex is the tip of the iceberg, its everything below. This path is now converging between my therapy and  Mindfulness practice. I am very much the same person with the same defects, is something happening. You bet! It’s not exactly clear, but I am for the first time inviting that child out to enjoy life. I am reconciling with myself and learning to be my friend and love myself.

Some days are rough, some days are ungrounded, some days just suck. But to feel without medicating as before is grand indeed! Everything is out there. Do I hate it yes. Am I grateful for it yes. Am I tired? Yes. Do I wish it never happened? Yes!!!!!

I am a sex addict. I will always be a sex addict. Some days I am depressed. Continue reading

Posted in Acceptance, breaking the thought patterns, coping mechanism, dealing with defective thinking, power and control, powerless and addiction, sex addict, sex addict in recovery, sexually sober, spirituality and day to day practice, suicide | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Isolation and Renewal

Kat and I have been traveling together for over a month now and it has been pretty awesome. I see her lying beside me, she is molded perfectly to the bed mattress. She loves laying on her belly when watching TV or using her phone and she is like a perfectly content cat. Just watching her is calming. It is at these times that I am especially aware that I need to focus on myself and let her return to me. To not force her to focus on me when she is so content with herself.

Traveling has been great in that it takes me away from my usual routine and forces me to have direct experiences that I do not ordinarily have at home or for my work. This trip has forced me to deal with myself which has been quite challenging. 

I really do cause my own misery, my own suffering. Learning to be comfortable with my craziness and to be kind to myself is the only way I can be truly present in my life. The child I created for myself to deal with my fear is what I work on most days. Taking care of this child and making amends to myself is the only way I can be with Kat and those I cherish and actually consciously be there for them. 

I have been told that 12 step can be a selfish program and finally I understand by only working inwardly on me can I make outward progress.

There is a world of difference in my interactions, especially with Kat. There is a comforting familiarity now. I don’t feel like I’m fighting for my life anymore, just working to be that better human. Kat will never heal completely from the scope of my betrayal (who could?), but we are in a much different space than we were at the beginning. 

Each day we have together is one of gratitude. I realize even now that I am at the beginning of this book and am still very early on this journey of awakening and in recovery. Every day I realize how deeply disconnected I was and the havoc I wreaked, and the disastrous consequences. 

Now with the beginning of the awakened heart I can stay with the pain, but also be kind with myself. The irony is that my dark side is right there to relieve me of the pain of insight. I don’t know where Kat and I will be tomorrow or the next day. The challenge is to stay present in the moment and be with myself and with her and not run away. Awareness is strong, progress is slow.

Posted in anxiety, betrayed spouse, breaking the thought patterns, change, Fear, married sex addict, mindfulness, sex addict, sex addict in recovery, sex addiction, spirituality and day to day practice, Step Work, transformation, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment