So we were watching Split the other night, a bad idea. It really spoke to the inner evil and rationalization and the compartmentalizations that allow for all the harmful behavior to take place. I remember watching Dexter and thinking geez there is not a lot of difference between our process addictions, runaway compulsive obsession, my addiction could be killing. I was killing myself. I killed my wife in a manner of speaking. I did murder her ego, I saw it split…) and she could have died from an std or from the acting out partner. There were also those brief moments of wishing something horrible would happen to my acting out partner. That somehow getting rid of her would rid me of the darkness within. But I’m not a murderer.
It takes a special form of obsession compulsion to be able to inflict pain on every thing that is of value. I can’t deny who I am. I have to surrender and this is where the battle rages…
Am I partner material? Let’s face it, hell no. Not right now. Can I work the recovery? Can I protect myself from myself? Hell yes! Can I do it alone? No way!
I am in Year 6. There is no easy path or pill. It doesn’t fucking go away. I am thankful that I am not a literal killer, but let’s not split hairs, here. I am more in touch with my heart of darkness and who I really am.