Kat and I have been traveling together for over a month now and it has been pretty awesome. I see her lying beside me, she is molded perfectly to the bed mattress. She loves laying on her belly when watching TV or using her phone and she is like a perfectly content cat. Just watching her is calming. It is at these times that I am especially aware that I need to focus on myself and let her return to me. To not force her to focus on me when she is so content with herself.
Traveling has been great in that it takes me away from my usual routine and forces me to have direct experiences that I do not ordinarily have at home or for my work. This trip has forced me to deal with myself which has been quite challenging.
I really do cause my own misery, my own suffering. Learning to be comfortable with my craziness and to be kind to myself is the only way I can be truly present in my life. The child I created for myself to deal with my fear is what I work on most days. Taking care of this child and making amends to myself is the only way I can be with Kat and those I cherish and actually consciously be there for them.
I have been told that 12 step can be a selfish program and finally I understand by only working inwardly on me can I make outward progress.
There is a world of difference in my interactions, especially with Kat. There is a comforting familiarity now. I don’t feel like I’m fighting for my life anymore, just working to be that better human. Kat will never heal completely from the scope of my betrayal (who could?), but we are in a much different space than we were at the beginning.
Each day we have together is one of gratitude. I realize even now that I am at the beginning of this book and am still very early on this journey of awakening and in recovery. Every day I realize how deeply disconnected I was and the havoc I wreaked, and the disastrous consequences.
Now with the beginning of the awakened heart I can stay with the pain, but also be kind with myself. The irony is that my dark side is right there to relieve me of the pain of insight. I don’t know where Kat and I will be tomorrow or the next day. The challenge is to stay present in the moment and be with myself and with her and not run away. Awareness is strong, progress is slow.