Ok I am a liar, even if I tell the truth can I really tell? If I don’t recall everything I have done am I lying?… Well it doesn’t matter you see as Kat’s perception is a much better gauge of reality. What she thinks is all that really matters.
It can be frustrating at times though. When I am telling the truth and I have no cred, but I dug the hole. But it’s not about winning, it’s not about credibility, it’s about doing the next right thing.
My brain and my many layers or seeds of consciousness are incredibly strong and working in the background. What is perceived at the conscious level is a by product of all this…and I still have so far to go….
The child in me needs my love. The hatred in me, the masks I wear are much more than just about my integrity disorder, my addiction, my harm of Kat is what I don’t want to do above all else But I still don’t want to play by the rules. Really simple rules. I don’t want to accept the fact that since I am a sex addict I need to respect rules that were put in place to protect Kat and me and us. We are partners. This is not my family of origin. This is my best friend and partner, this is my family of creation!!!
There is a beast inside there is a war. There is a lot going on. I am under pressure. Resentment and anger are accessible. I have a lot of balls I am juggling. When things are hyper intense I have to go to my tool kit even more. 5 years in and with the pressure on I revert to old habits. So I led the sangha. I’ve amped up my meetings and I am meditating. Just taking each day very slowly.
I am grateful I have the program and my spiritual practice. I just wish for some peace, please can I have some peace can I be free from suffering. It’s up to me ultimately and that’s the problem.
If your not struggling your not in recovery. Uncomfortable is good. Run into it. Don’t deny it, accept it!
I am an addict. I need different rules. I am different, normal does not apply to me.