A letter from my inner child#2

Hi thanks for telling me. I really need this. Because of everything that has happened to me. When something happens to me , when people do bad things to me or when bad things happen to me i feel as though I am being abandoned and that I am helpless. I feel very uneasy and anxious. I do not have any appetite and I have trouble sleeping. It is so good to know that I have a safe place right here where I can let you know how I feel express my emotions and try not to beat myself up or practice self blame. I think if there are bad things happening to me surely there is something about myself that is wrong…I know this is causing me to be afraid and that I have to have compassion and love for myself and that I have to have a safe place right here inside me. Please help me find that safe place, please tell me how much you love me, please take me out and let me have fun with you, please just hold me. Please listen to me and tell me you are listening. I do not want to be alone anymore, I don’t want to afraid. Please just hold my hand and smile at me. I love you.

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Posted in Acceptance, change, commuincation, coping mechanism, dealing with defective thinking, Fear, mindfulness, pain, power and control, powerless and addiction, sex addict, shame, Step Work, transformation, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A letter to my inner child #1

Hey I want you to know that everything is going to be okay. Your family and pets, and your brothers in recovery are there to help.  Your Sangha family is there for you. I wanted to let you know that besides all that I am here for you and that within me there is a warrior and a king and a father and a mother,  and a brother and a friend and we will all take care of you. We love you so much and we understand how hard it has been for you and how scared you have been. We will listen to you, we will hold you. We will just be there for you. You can stop running, you can just breath. You can lay down your weary head and sleep.

You can come out and play. You can enjoy life. You can walk in the forest. You can walk your dogs. You can have fun. It is okay to have fun.

You can take a break. Please just breathe in and be kind to yourself and let go.

Remember we will always be there to catch you as we are inside you, in your heart.

We love and accept you just the way you are. You are beautiful, you are from the sun, the mountains…You are.

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How I know I am an Addict. I need my Oxytocin…

Oxytocin, Dopamine and everything else

So Kat has been gone for around 6 weeks from me in total. I did manage to see her twice though and I am truly grateful.  I think with the dreary weather and the fact that I am sick with a flu first and now a cold have made things doubly worse for me. I reinvigorated my relationship with my sponsor and activated my daily accountability partner and have been trying to go to 5 meetings a week when not traveling and feeling well enough.  I just take each day, realizing any ungroundness will pass eventually.

After visiting Kat the last time she remarked that I am just the same old addict.It really hurt when she said this to me, but I totally get it. I have been sick and tired and working like a dog. This is what she sees and this is what I was when I was acting out and what she would get a lot of the time. She would get this sick workaholic partner, afraid of intimacy partner,who buried himself in his work and and rewarded himself with his addiction.

In the 5 years or so since d-day,  I realize this has been the longest period where I have been dry. With no sex going on three weeks I think and likely to extend for another 3 to 4 weeks I am have major physiological or withdrawal responses. My brain craves the oxytocin and probably other shit as well  that I generate with Kat from our romantic bonding. Now that my brain is not being fed even minimal amounts I have gone into full withdrawal which is severe mood swings, heavy fatigue, excess sleep, extreme craving. I think I am like when Kat is hear but it is muted and is not so pronounced.  I have had a few extreme food days and late nights movie binging with the Peacemaker. My body’s mental state is extremely sensitive and I react extreme to input. It is like I just finished a major binge and am totally exhausted. Highly irritable. Easy angered, etc.

I am an addict and with insufficient quantities of self produced opiates. My body, my mind has gone to full on withdrawal mode. I have known and accepted that I am an addict, but now for the first time in 5 years, this is a great reminder of what an addict I am. So I am going to my meetings,  I am checking in with my accountability partner I am ringing in the bell. I am trying to create and maintain structure.

I think I am learning to have a little more compassion for myself and for others and am grateful for all the work others have done related to sex addiction. At a certain point everything becomes very heavy. I have been here before and have understood its withdrawal, but at this point its different. Its a deeper withdrawal. Its weird to be in such a place and have this independent observer perspective.

It really is a miracle that Kat is still with me.  A lot of gratitude. She chose the path that is way more difficult in my opinion. I hope I can meet her in the garden and really change everything. Its been so slow….my change.

 

 

 

 

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Trying to get back to the middle

Well I am heading to Year 5 of recovery and really in the thick of it.

As I am fully immersed in my work life. It seems I have gone back in time and have restarted my cycle, but more about that later. As always my body talks to me. And I have this fucking skin ulcer. It oozes pus as it tries to heal surrounded by this crater of blood. My skin my skin where had it gone. I became ungrounded, I was nauseous. It first had me in fear and I thought it was fear related to death. I thought it was realizing I was no different from anything else. I thought it was realizing at the end of the day I was just flesh and bones that I was part of the earth. That I was everything. Something that I did not want to accept, something that I had protected myself from all my life, but then after coming to this point, after even sharing it at my Sangha, I realized it was really about power and control. It was about this ulcer telling me I had no such power and control – get fucking real man it’s all impermanent – there is no power no control.

It’s classic – I wore myself down… I didn’t take care of my skin. I became obsessed with work to the exclusion of all else. I didn’t take care of my Beloved, I didn’t take care of myself, I didn’t take care of Peacemaker. I didn’t take care of the animals.

Thank you skin ulcer!!!!

Everything has consequences!!! Grant me the courage to change the things I can.

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Even Walls Fall Down

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All around your island

There’s a barricade

That keeps out the danger

That holds in the pain

Sometimes you’re happy

Sometimes you cry

Half of me is ocean

Half of me is sky

I am grateful for Tom Petty. His songs mean more to me than they ever did before. I miss him.

Thanksgiving has been a tough holiday, but now it is a celebration of gratitude and growing awareness.   I see a lot of my old self in others and my past follies which reminds me of my past mistakes. I also see and witness an amazing amount of kindness.

People who knew me before I was in recovery and have only met with me recently, say I am calmer. You are much calmer than I ever knew they exclaim. You speak with a softer voice or seem to feel at ease…

I am glad to get the unsolicited positive feedback, as I am not a good barometer of my own progress. Frankly, I yearn for the day that my mind is a clear blue sky, but every now and then I experience patches of sunshine.:)

Everything passes including the clouds. Yes, Tom was right the walls do fall down, but I have to work it, I have to want it.

The walls can go back up in a flash.

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Dying another day

Die Another DayI am so tired. I did it to myself again. I am in start up mode. My body hurts, my legs hurt.  All so familiar but with out my drug. I am dying. I can feel it in my bones. I died another day.  I don’t know why I am still here. I should of popped a long time ago. Like an ill manufactured grenade. I remember a child psychologist once said to me that I would one day explode with anger, that I kept it all bottled up inside. I really didn’t get it at the time, but yeah she was dead on. Even when I was in 6th Grade I had already checked out.

Too bad that psychologist did not offer a solution.  I am always good at blaming someone or the system and not myself.  I have a free pass on the river of denial. I did not even understand what she meant and why she said it to me. It certainly wasn’t kindness. I wish I had exploded when she said that to me, maybe I could of gotten help. At that time in my life I had just stopped doing anything at school. I had just shut down. Between home life and school life I found refuge in fantasy obsession and masturbation.

Now all I have is my core emotions anger, fear all there just to gobble me up and spit me back out again.

I don’t know why I am still sober. It really is bloody unbelievable. And it is putting up an unbelievable fight. This week it decided that physical pain was something that was going to tip me over the edge. It figured with pain and travel well geez whiz lets pull out all the stops.

But I just powered through things.  I smiled I laughed, I was my friend.  I really managed to put myself back into the petri dish. I am in the thick of it. . But you know what dream big. Laugh at yourself. What the hell.  The awareness is what saves me. I know my delusional self, I know my fear and anxiety self. I can listen, I can process, I can be direct and blunt. I can shine a light on myself. I can stick up for myself. I can live my life the way I have always wanted to live. I can level the playing field, rather than this strange tilt I insisted on. I can be kind to my anger. The awareness that I am an addict, that I am not normal. That my borders cannot be my own that is real powerlessness. And its tough. I am pissed of that I am an addict. Its a fucking god damn struggle. But I don’t wish it to be any other way. What I am striving for is the middle. When I learn to love myself more than I hate myself that is when I will have really nailed it. That feeling of equanimity it comes now, but I have to slow down. I have to process, I have to sit with it. I have to let go. Reality becomes a lot more livable if I just slow down. If I just breathe.

 

 

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Batman

4be

Interesting Poster. I don’t think its a good idea to be Batman. I think Batman would agree.

Batman has been on my mind. Okay let’s face it I have been a Batman fanatic of sorts. I really was into Batman growing up and then with the Warner Brothers cartoon revamp in the nineties and then the evolution and the Dark Knight series. My sons and I bonded over Batman….A tortured soul who suffers from a deep self hatred brought about my childhood trauma. Who is incapable of being honest and open, but to harness his dark side, the child he has kept in prison he engages in vigilante justice and enters into dark hurtful relationships, never thinking he is worthy of a relationship or love because if people only knew who he really was…..So I just described Batman and everyone in my home meeting group.

In recovery I take responsibility for my past and for the here and now. I decimated my family. I made horrific choices. I finally admitted that I needed to let go. I can’t make good decisions. I admitted that it has been an utter disaster with me at the wheel. I  finally started to emerge from the fog.

Trouble is that with me I still want to be Batman rather than myself.  I don’t believe in the good in myself.  A master in the various forms of denial, I still live in the delusion that I can rescue others, when I just need to rescue myself. Its part of my power and control delusion…

Well, Batman finally let go, found true intimacy and was himself, Batman became integrated and he finally stopped hiding behind the mask. He abandoned his attachments and let go.

For me I am in the cycle. You see I don’t want to fully let go. Every time I think I have let go, I find out that my addiction is still there, more clever than ever. The depth of my inner darkness… I can feel I am on the edge. I can feel that I am about to don my costume.  I can feel it calling me, rationalizing that it will make me whole, that it will balance me out. The dark side is always there. Its waiting. It is patient.

My addiction is part of me. Accepting who I am.  Learning to love myself. Although its hard for me to see, I have come a long way. Sometimes I just need to stop and slow things down and that is okay. By slowing down I can breath and I can let my true self shine through.  Batman is part of me. If I take care of myself, Batman will always just be part of me and not dominate me, and I can just focus on being me. I can stop running. I can stop pretending.

TheDarkKnightRisesEnding

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