Cherish everything that I hold dear

Huge milestone for us celebrating over 3 decades together. Everything that I value has come from our union. So much gratitude to make it here. I don’t know what tomorrow may bring, but for now I am am savoring our time. We have become the children we once were, that we still have. There is so much going on so to capture even one moment one space in time when it is just us…. to just play and tap into what connects us – reminds me of what I lost, what we still have and that there is still some of the child left in her, despite the horrors i have deposited with her.

Gratitude gratitude gratitude gratitude

Posted in betrayed spouse, cheating husband, intimacy, married sex addict, spirituality and day to day practice, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Gaining Insight – Whats it all about (late reflection on Mother’s Day)

I am 50 percent my mother my mother, 50 percent my father. I don’t speak with my mother. She is not a safe place for me or Crazy Kat or PeaceMaker. My oldest can navigate her. He is the great old soul diplomat. I do have good and wonderful memories of my mother and I am learning to reconcile with my mother inside me. Acceptance and love. On to other stuff.

I am realizing how very difficult it is to live with me and how I am just not good partner material (you think?). Deep at the core is self hate (there is also deep love and great insight) and an anti social element or dare I say personality. I try to avoid intimacy and being with my family . I try to avoid just being there. I think it is because the anti-social aspect of myself  inherently doesn’t feel good enough. Its a huge self sabotage effort. Awareness. We watched a movie the peace maker orchestrated the other day called,  A New Leaf and the character realizes at the end of the movie begrudgingly so, that someone loves and accepts him for who he is totally and that he actually is beginning to like and to love himself and that  is what makes him a better person. Its a really great movie about a human being struggling with his inner demons and how he makes the right choices at the end. Love and acceptance were a catalyst to save himself.

Crazy Kat almost drowned way back before D day and I could not help her. At that moment I felt so helpless, so useless, I watched her cling to the rocks, battered by the waves and coral and sea urchins, and then a mermaid showed up and rescued her. It was not me.

I cannot imagine my life without her. But I do know that she is better off without me. She keeps on urging me,  asking me why I don’t go back to the acting out woman. I almost think she is begging for relief from me. That she wants a reason to give up and walk away because I am using up precious time and am not where I need to be for her. Its a cruel circle.

I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to throw in the towel for my addiction of self hatred.  

So I am struggling big time with balance and prioritizing. I think this is the biggest struggle in my six years of recovery. The sex acting out the process, the addiction was really the tip of the iceberg. What this is really about is loving myself with all my defects, accepting the love of my family of creation, and not running away from intimacy anymore…from being present. So on this Mother’s day, the best thing I can do is love myself, and be present for Crazy Kat and my family. If I can do that. If I can stop running, then it will be an awesome day.

Posted in Acceptance, change, dealing with defective thinking, Family of Origin, intimacy, man box, married sex addict, transformation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The monster within part 2

So we were watching Split the other night, a bad idea. It really spoke to the inner evil and rationalization and the compartmentalizations that allow for all the harmful behavior to take place. I remember watching Dexter and thinking geez there is not a lot of difference between our process addictions, runaway compulsive obsession, my addiction could be killing. I was killing myself. I killed my wife in a manner of speaking. I did murder her ego, I saw it split…) and she could have died from an std or from the acting out partner. There were also those brief moments of wishing something horrible would happen to my acting out partner. That somehow getting rid of her would rid me of the darkness within. But I’m not a murderer.

It takes a special form of obsession compulsion to be able to inflict pain on every thing that is of value. I can’t deny who I am. I have to surrender and this is where the battle rages…

Am I partner material? Let’s face it, hell no. Not right now. Can I work the recovery? Can I protect myself from myself? Hell yes! Can I do it alone? No way!

I am in Year 6. There is no easy path or pill. It doesn’t fucking go away. I am thankful that I am not a literal killer, but let’s not split hairs, here. I am more in touch with my heart of darkness and who I really am.

Posted in dealing with defective thinking, good vs evil, manipulation and lies, married sex addict, sex addict compartmentalized reality, sex addict covert relationships, sex addict in recovery, sex addict integrity disorder | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Knowing limits and a safe place (on-going babble) or the battle within and the dark passenger demon that is part of me (part 1)

The last quarter of the year is always difficult for me. I think I am at high vulnerability. Maybe its the darkness, I know there is a lot of trauma around this time, but I forget. I know i am ungrounded. I know that I am just not feeling well.  But I forget why. Knowing your limits is very important and taking counter measures. For me I am now convinced it is slowing down and not trying to do much. To stop the frenetic activity. Sometimes I just want it to stop, but if I can just stop for moment more often and realize my limits, if I can just take better care of myself and make decisions based on my own limits I would cause myself a whole lot less anxiety and harm and others as well.

I realize my general ungroundedness level really rises a lot around my birthday and around my father’s birthday. I think a lot of it revolves around pain as a child and trauma and mourning the relationship I never had with my dad and just plain and simple a child’s longing for the love of his father. As the overwhelming sadness rose in me several times, something new and unexpected happened…I went to a safe place, the tea house in my mind. This is a serene place where all of me can gather and can drink tea and do a group hug. It is just a great place. So when I am feeling that rush of loneliness, the anger and resentment well up in me I can go to this place and I can be okay.

We just returned from a lovely tropical trip but I let my old habits overwhelm me. I worked excessively and really did not take sufficient time for us or myself. I really got into an addict state and created an environment for triggering and then abusing Kat. It’s a cycle with work hotel room sex and then less awareness such that my addict side is really out there. So I objectified stared and smiled at woman inappropriately and this all in plain view of Kat. Really hurtful shitty behavior.

So the question is am I really safe or good place for Kat to be around? Sometimes, definitely not. I will tell you, this my addict side wants to run away. I think most of the time I am okay, but it would not surprise me if one day Kat just up and left. A lot of gratitude for each moment and for when the addict doesn’t lurk…

its part of me…

Posted in anxiety, border plan, breaking the thought patterns, change, dealing with defective thinking, Family of Origin, married sex addict, powerless and addiction, Sex Addiction Boundaries, surrender | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Progress Accountability #2

I create my own chaos. I cause my own suffering. I thrive on chaos. I abuse those closest to me. Who wants to live with that shit? Stopping and taking care of myself are essential if I want to keep my family intact. Otherwise, I will be alone.

Well if you are an addict don’t travel too much. I travel way too much and ended up sick. I lost a lot of productivity and when I am sick and tired then I am not a good partner or kind to myself. Amp it up with stokes of anxiety and I am just not that pleasant to be around and my behavior tends to be abusive to myself and those around me and I start to isolate.

When I am in this mode Kat is better off not with me and I need to decompress. I started to reset over the past few days and I am sleeping well. I also think going to meetings regularly now that I am home and meditating more often has helped.

This Thanksgiving has been especially wonderful as besides being there for my Kat when she needed me I was surrounded by family which was simply a miracle. My adopted father and brother in law have been battling cancer and any additional time I have with them is such a gift, plus the miracle of having Kat and my son with me is something that I am ever so thankful for.

Life is going to happen no matter what I do. Learning to live in a way that is accepting and on life’s terms and learning to stay in the middle is the challenge. Hopefully, I can create less pain in my live and give Kat some normalcy. Even 5 years in and this is a challenge…I was washing the turkey roasting pan last night and was about done when I realized it was not good enough.. just like me it needed some power cleaning to buff out the brown cooking stains and return to its stainless steel luster. I smiled about how this roasting pan and me were a lot alike and needed a whole lot of work….

10 to 15 minutes later with some help from an abrasive cleaner…..

I need to really put in the self effort if I want to continue and progress in my recovery…’s going take a whole lot of time…the remainder of my life

Posted in Acceptance, breaking the thought patterns, change, coping mechanism, married sex addict, mindfulness, transformation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Progress Accountability Journal #1

Anyone have a pill to cure the addict doldrums? Ha!

Right now 5 years in I am struggling for some structure which starts with doing what I need to do rather than what I want to do. The first rule for me is self care. Going to bed on time. This may seem like a simple task but is really difficult for me. If I don’t detox unwind and go to sleep at a normal time it is like a domino effect for me. Besides being tired it totally taps into anger and resentment at myself for not being strong enough to do the next right thing. Goal number 1, for just today. Go to sleep at the right time.

Goal number 2 a lot of deep breaths. Formal meditation at least 3 times a day. Well one down 2 more to go.

Goal number 3, do at least 5 meetings this week whether sangha or program. 2 meetings done, 3 more to go.

Goal number 4, make better eating choices.

Well, I will report back soon on how it is going. If I take care of myself I can be present and a better partner for Kat.

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Random rambling infinity

Ok I am a liar, even if I tell the truth can I really tell? If I don’t recall everything I have done am I lying?… Well it doesn’t matter you see as Kat’s perception is a much better gauge of reality. What she thinks is all that really matters.

It can be frustrating at times though. When I am telling the truth and I have no cred, but I dug the hole. But it’s not about winning, it’s not about credibility, it’s about doing the next right thing.

My brain and my many layers or seeds of consciousness are incredibly strong and working in the background. What is perceived at the conscious level is a by product of all this…and I still have so far to go….

The child in me needs my love. The hatred in me, the masks I wear are much more than just about my integrity disorder, my addiction, my harm of Kat is what I don’t want to do above all else But I still don’t want to play by the rules. Really simple rules. I don’t want to accept the fact that since I am a sex addict I need to respect rules that were put in place to protect Kat and me and us. We are partners. This is not my family of origin. This is my best friend and partner, this is my family of creation!!!

There is a beast inside there is a war. There is a lot going on. I am under pressure. Resentment and anger are accessible. I have a lot of balls I am juggling. When things are hyper intense I have to go to my tool kit even more. 5 years in and with the pressure on I revert to old habits. So I led the sangha. I’ve amped up my meetings and I am meditating. Just taking each day very slowly.

I am grateful I have the program and my spiritual practice. I just wish for some peace, please can I have some peace can I be free from suffering. It’s up to me ultimately and that’s the problem.

If your not struggling your not in recovery. Uncomfortable is good. Run into it. Don’t deny it, accept it!

I am an addict. I need different rules. I am different, normal does not apply to me.

Posted in Acceptance, anxiety, border plan, breaking the thought patterns, coping mechanism, dealing with defective thinking, married sex addict, mindfulness, sex addict anger and resentment, sex addict compartmentalized reality, sex addict integrity disorder, Sex Addiction Boundaries | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment