The monster within part 2

So we were watching Split the other night, a bad idea. It really spoke to the inner evil and rationalization and the compartmentalizations that allow for all the harmful behavior to take place. I remember watching Dexter and thinking geez there is not a lot of difference between our process addictions, runaway compulsive obsession, my addiction could be killing. I was killing myself. I killed my wife in a manner of speaking. I did murder her ego, I saw it split…) and she could have died from an std or from the acting out partner. There were also those brief moments of wishing something horrible would happen to my acting out partner. That somehow getting rid of her would rid me of the darkness within. But I’m not a murderer.

It takes a special form of obsession compulsion to be able to inflict pain on every thing that is of value. I can’t deny who I am. I have to surrender and this is where the battle rages…

Am I partner material? Let’s face it, hell no. Not right now. Can I work the recovery? Can I protect myself from myself? Hell yes! Can I do it alone? No way!

I am in Year 6. There is no easy path or pill. It doesn’t fucking go away. I am thankful that I am not a literal killer, but let’s not split hairs, here. I am more in touch with my heart of darkness and who I really am.

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Posted in dealing with defective thinking, good vs evil, manipulation and lies, married sex addict, sex addict compartmentalized reality, sex addict covert relationships, sex addict in recovery, sex addict integrity disorder | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Knowing limits and a safe place (on-going babble) or the battle within and the dark passenger demon that is part of me (part 1)

The last quarter of the year is always difficult for me. I think I am at high vulnerability. Maybe its the darkness, I know there is a lot of trauma around this time, but I forget. I know i am ungrounded. I know that I am just not feeling well.  But I forget why. Knowing your limits is very important and taking counter measures. For me I am now convinced it is slowing down and not trying to do much. To stop the frenetic activity. Sometimes I just want it to stop, but if I can just stop for moment more often and realize my limits, if I can just take better care of myself and make decisions based on my own limits I would cause myself a whole lot less anxiety and harm and others as well.

I realize my general ungroundedness level really rises a lot around my birthday and around my father’s birthday. I think a lot of it revolves around pain as a child and trauma and mourning the relationship I never had with my dad and just plain and simple a child’s longing for the love of his father. As the overwhelming sadness rose in me several times, something new and unexpected happened…I went to a safe place, the tea house in my mind. This is a serene place where all of me can gather and can drink tea and do a group hug. It is just a great place. So when I am feeling that rush of loneliness, the anger and resentment well up in me I can go to this place and I can be okay.

We just returned from a lovely tropical trip but I let my old habits overwhelm me. I worked excessively and really did not take sufficient time for us or myself. I really got into an addict state and created an environment for triggering and then abusing Kat. It’s a cycle with work hotel room sex and then less awareness such that my addict side is really out there. So I objectified stared and smiled at woman inappropriately and this all in plain view of Kat. Really hurtful shitty behavior.

So the question is am I really safe or good place for Kat to be around? Sometimes, definitely not. I will tell you, this my addict side wants to run away. I think most of the time I am okay, but it would not surprise me if one day Kat just up and left. A lot of gratitude for each moment and for when the addict doesn’t lurk…

its part of me…

Posted in anxiety, border plan, breaking the thought patterns, change, dealing with defective thinking, Family of Origin, married sex addict, powerless and addiction, Sex Addiction Boundaries, surrender | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Progress Accountability #2

I create my own chaos. I cause my own suffering. I thrive on chaos. I abuse those closest to me. Who wants to live with that shit? Stopping and taking care of myself are essential if I want to keep my family intact. Otherwise, I will be alone.

Well if you are an addict don’t travel too much. I travel way too much and ended up sick. I lost a lot of productivity and when I am sick and tired then I am not a good partner or kind to myself. Amp it up with stokes of anxiety and I am just not that pleasant to be around and my behavior tends to be abusive to myself and those around me and I start to isolate.

When I am in this mode Kat is better off not with me and I need to decompress. I started to reset over the past few days and I am sleeping well. I also think going to meetings regularly now that I am home and meditating more often has helped.

This Thanksgiving has been especially wonderful as besides being there for my Kat when she needed me I was surrounded by family which was simply a miracle. My adopted father and brother in law have been battling cancer and any additional time I have with them is such a gift, plus the miracle of having Kat and my son with me is something that I am ever so thankful for.

Life is going to happen no matter what I do. Learning to live in a way that is accepting and on life’s terms and learning to stay in the middle is the challenge. Hopefully, I can create less pain in my live and give Kat some normalcy. Even 5 years in and this is a challenge…I was washing the turkey roasting pan last night and was about done when I realized it was not good enough.. just like me it needed some power cleaning to buff out the brown cooking stains and return to its stainless steel luster. I smiled about how this roasting pan and me were a lot alike and needed a whole lot of work….

10 to 15 minutes later with some help from an abrasive cleaner…..

I need to really put in the self effort if I want to continue and progress in my recovery…..it’s going take a whole lot of time…the remainder of my life

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Progress Accountability Journal #1

Anyone have a pill to cure the addict doldrums? Ha!

Right now 5 years in I am struggling for some structure which starts with doing what I need to do rather than what I want to do. The first rule for me is self care. Going to bed on time. This may seem like a simple task but is really difficult for me. If I don’t detox unwind and go to sleep at a normal time it is like a domino effect for me. Besides being tired it totally taps into anger and resentment at myself for not being strong enough to do the next right thing. Goal number 1, for just today. Go to sleep at the right time.

Goal number 2 a lot of deep breaths. Formal meditation at least 3 times a day. Well one down 2 more to go.

Goal number 3, do at least 5 meetings this week whether sangha or program. 2 meetings done, 3 more to go.

Goal number 4, make better eating choices.

Well, I will report back soon on how it is going. If I take care of myself I can be present and a better partner for Kat.

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Random rambling infinity

Ok I am a liar, even if I tell the truth can I really tell? If I don’t recall everything I have done am I lying?… Well it doesn’t matter you see as Kat’s perception is a much better gauge of reality. What she thinks is all that really matters.

It can be frustrating at times though. When I am telling the truth and I have no cred, but I dug the hole. But it’s not about winning, it’s not about credibility, it’s about doing the next right thing.

My brain and my many layers or seeds of consciousness are incredibly strong and working in the background. What is perceived at the conscious level is a by product of all this…and I still have so far to go….

The child in me needs my love. The hatred in me, the masks I wear are much more than just about my integrity disorder, my addiction, my harm of Kat is what I don’t want to do above all else But I still don’t want to play by the rules. Really simple rules. I don’t want to accept the fact that since I am a sex addict I need to respect rules that were put in place to protect Kat and me and us. We are partners. This is not my family of origin. This is my best friend and partner, this is my family of creation!!!

There is a beast inside there is a war. There is a lot going on. I am under pressure. Resentment and anger are accessible. I have a lot of balls I am juggling. When things are hyper intense I have to go to my tool kit even more. 5 years in and with the pressure on I revert to old habits. So I led the sangha. I’ve amped up my meetings and I am meditating. Just taking each day very slowly.

I am grateful I have the program and my spiritual practice. I just wish for some peace, please can I have some peace can I be free from suffering. It’s up to me ultimately and that’s the problem.

If your not struggling your not in recovery. Uncomfortable is good. Run into it. Don’t deny it, accept it!

I am an addict. I need different rules. I am different, normal does not apply to me.

Posted in Acceptance, anxiety, border plan, breaking the thought patterns, coping mechanism, dealing with defective thinking, married sex addict, mindfulness, sex addict anger and resentment, sex addict compartmentalized reality, sex addict integrity disorder, Sex Addiction Boundaries | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

A letter from my inner child#2

Hi thanks for telling me. I really need this. Because of everything that has happened to me. When something happens to me , when people do bad things to me or when bad things happen to me i feel as though I am being abandoned and that I am helpless. I feel very uneasy and anxious. I do not have any appetite and I have trouble sleeping. It is so good to know that I have a safe place right here where I can let you know how I feel express my emotions and try not to beat myself up or practice self blame. I think if there are bad things happening to me surely there is something about myself that is wrong…I know this is causing me to be afraid and that I have to have compassion and love for myself and that I have to have a safe place right here inside me. Please help me find that safe place, please tell me how much you love me, please take me out and let me have fun with you, please just hold me. Please listen to me and tell me you are listening. I do not want to be alone anymore, I don’t want to afraid. Please just hold my hand and smile at me. I love you.

Posted in Acceptance, change, commuincation, coping mechanism, dealing with defective thinking, Fear, mindfulness, pain, power and control, powerless and addiction, sex addict, shame, Step Work, transformation, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A letter to my inner child #1

Hey I want you to know that everything is going to be okay. Your family and pets, and your brothers in recovery are there to help.  Your Sangha family is there for you. I wanted to let you know that besides all that I am here for you and that within me there is a warrior and a king and a father and a mother,  and a brother and a friend and we will all take care of you. We love you so much and we understand how hard it has been for you and how scared you have been. We will listen to you, we will hold you. We will just be there for you. You can stop running, you can just breath. You can lay down your weary head and sleep.

You can come out and play. You can enjoy life. You can walk in the forest. You can walk your dogs. You can have fun. It is okay to have fun.

You can take a break. Please just breathe in and be kind to yourself and let go.

Remember we will always be there to catch you as we are inside you, in your heart.

We love and accept you just the way you are. You are beautiful, you are from the sun, the mountains…You are.

Posted in Acceptance, anxiety, change, Fear, mindfulness, transformation, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment